Forgiving

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Permalink Reply by Robin on September 8, 2008 at 9:25am

Hi Ana,
I have also had this experience recently. I have one friend that I was quite close with that I haven't talked to in a year. She was very upset about the diagnosis, and yet I haven't talked to her since telling her. It's like she fell off the earth. Now I get the odd email from her, but that is it. Some people just can't deal with it, so I think you need to concentrate on the excellent support systems and friends you have surrounding you now. It is helpful for you (and to release them) to forgive them, but I wouldn't go out of my way to pursue the friendship unless you reeeeeallly feel drawn to do so. And like you said, you may always have that nagging feeling. That feeling is resentment, and it is negative, and you don't need to have that kind of energy either. The way I figure it is like they say "people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."
Take care,
Robin

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Permalink Reply by Becky B. on October 5, 2008 at 8:38pm

Ana, one thing I've learned (the hard way) is that by forgiving someone, you help yourself. You are not "letting them off the hook" for hurting you. Forgiveness and reconcilliation are two different things. You can forgive someone, yet still choose to keep your distance to avoid further pain, etc. But the forgiveness can FREE YOU! You then have the choice to let the person back in, and to what extent, how, etc. If the person does not specifically say "I'm sorry" that doesn't matter. Especially if they act sorry and seem to want to be friends again. Some people simply cannot say it! On the other hand, it is totally possible to forgive someone who hurt you and really isn't sorry for what they did (or doesn't see what they did because they live in denial) Simply said: FORGIVENESS lessons your burden and will help YOU heal!! Don't necessarily leave yourself vulnerable to further pain - it's ok to be guarded - but let it go!

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Permalink Reply by Jane A on October 11, 2008 at 3:18pm

Ana - it is too bad that your 'friend' felt that he could not handle your situation. I had this happen as well. But I also had some amazing people come into my life at the same time, and show their 'true colors'. I even heard from old friends on my facebook page that I had been out of touch with for 15 to 25 years. Talk about serendipity. I personally think it all happens for a reason.

One thing I have learned over this journey is to let go of the petty issues, those bigger things that really get me down, and just about anything negative. Maybe it came from facing my mortality,(which perhaps the disappearing friends are unable to cope with?) and realizing that there is too much beauty and joy around, and that I dont want to and dont need to deal with the negative shit. I got too much living to do. I know it's hard to saw let it go and move on, but that's what I did; his being unable to cope is his issue, not yours. If you want to have him again as a friend, do what feels right. As a friend we need learn to accept the best and worse of a person, and "accentuate the affirmative."
Hope you work it out...

Jane A

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Permalink Reply by Callie on October 11, 2008 at 7:31pm

Oh Sweet Pea Yes!!!!!!
My best friend called me and said under other circumstances the stress you are going thru would not affect me as much but right now I need to end our relationship..........then....when life was good again and I was well.......she wants to be buds.. on the phone night and day she is so sorry she was stress.... SHE WAS STRESSED...........I HAD FUCKING CANCER............. but life does go on.. I forgave her and I let her back into my life but I learned to not put her in the same place and not trust that she would not put me out if the time was not right.......so I get it.. I think we all have had some sort of friend problem. Sounds like the guy like my friend was extremely emtionally insecure. I was the anchor in our relationship and she was the emotional vampire.. and she still is.. it is either an emotional dump or a need when she calls.. I love her but it gets old......so......careful......and it may not be the same but forgiving is more for you let him go on his way just dont forget that this is his potential.. I know this is not my normal peace love and happiness answer but.. this is one case where I think cancer weeds out the weak from the strong and life is to short to be shit on......so if you let them in wear a rain coat.. love you and we have missed you lovely face around here.. let us know how you are doing.. Going back to school is fabulous.. and we cannot wait to hear the rest. Hugs.. callie

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Permalink Reply by Bren from Rivendell on October 11, 2008 at 8:28pm

Its should be called "phrophylatic therapy" - nursing friends that are draining like this, always go in with your rubber boots on...you never know what kind of shit you might step in. Ha!

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Permalink Reply by Mikey on October 11, 2008 at 9:26pm

hey ana...
all i can say is that you're definitely not alone! i had a very similar experience while i was going through chemo for leukemia. two of my very best friends, one girl, one guy, turned their backs on me. no it's not fair, and it was very selfish on their parts, but the way i looked at it was i can either get upset about it and carry that grudge, or i can forgive them and move on with my life....which i have done. i figured carrying around all that negativity was more of an effort than i was willing to give, so i freed up my worrying load and felt much better for it. your true friends will stick by your side no matter what. as horrible as this experience has been, i am thankful that at least now i really know what true friends are, and the rest just aren't that important.

mikey xo

btw you look GORGEOUS in your pics....i wish i was brave enough to document my baldness, but i was a bit camera-shy back then.

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Permalink Reply by Sandra on October 11, 2008 at 9:41pm

We are strange complex silly beings! We all deal with "situations" differently. There is often stuff we don't know about another and sometimes things that drive their actions that they don't even know about or understand. Some find it hard to come face to face with their own mortality, others mortality, their insecurities about perceived helplessness, lack of control over life and death, lack of control - period - so some run, some get overly involved and will smother you with care - all to avoid dealing with their own issues.

That all said, I believe we can forgive the essence of a person and not approve of their actions. I saw this with my children when they would do something totally inappropriate I would love them but not their actions. You can forgive the person and also find that their actions are too draining of your precious energy - or forgive them and want them in your life = so you have the choice -
forgiveness = freedom!
That is just how I see it
love and blessings

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Permalink Reply by Sharon632 on October 11, 2008 at 11:37pm

I had a friend that I actually hired first, and became friends with later. Just before I was diagnosed I was very sick and having some problems at work. I decided to apply for a job that would give me a bit of a cut in pay but I thought it would be worth it for my health. I confided in my friend and she immediately called the superintendent whom she is personal friends with, and asked to be interviewed for the job. She knew about the opening long before I did, but she wasn't interested until I wanted it. She was not even close to being qualified for the job. The superintendent told me I was in the top two but I did not get the job, and wondered if anything she said reflected negatively on me. She did not get the job either and I was told she just got a courtesy interview.

I was so appalled and hurt by her actions, I ended our friendship. I can see her and speak, but I don't know if I have ever truly forgiven her, or if I can. How do you forgive someone whom you have given a hand up to, and they when give a chance, stab you in the back? What kind of person does that?

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Permalink Reply by Lori Shields on October 12, 2008 at 12:32am

Hi Ana,

I haven't had this experience personally but I have a couple of thoughts. Forgiveness doesn't automatically mean he gets back in your life. Forgiveness is for you, your peace of mind and healing. So try to heal your heart of any bad feelings, regardless of what you will do about your future relationship. Then, ask yourself this question: "Am I better off with him in my life or without him?" If you are better off with him then let him back in. You are a beautiful woman and a sweet soul and you deserve the best!

xo
Lori

p.s. Even though he bailed on you before, it's a good sign that he is admitting it now. If you choose to let him back in your life, I would make sure that you tell him how hurt you felt when he abandoned you. How he takes that might be a good indicator of whether or not he has grown. xo

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Permalink Reply by Nona on October 12, 2008 at 4:48am

Yes, I have. It was slightly different, but here it is anyway;

When I was back in school, (I mean real school, not homeschool like now.) my very best friend, Sammi, wouldn't believe me when I told her about my sickness. Not only did she not believe me, she told me I was being a baby, and that if I went to school I would feel fine. Then, when she had to get something done to her mouth for TMJ, she would whine and whine and everyone flocked around her in pity. She said nothing about not being able to handle my situation, she was just being a bitch. She never once acted sorry or showed any compassion about it, she was just being cold.

My point is, if they act sorry and give you a legit exuse, do get back together. I would be torn to shreads if my friend came down with cancer. And he at least cared and wanted to know how you were. But if they don't care at all, they're not your real friend and you need someone who really cares.

And from what I've heard, he really DOES care.

Forgive him, please!

Love and Toodles,

Nona.

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Permalink Reply by Sarah on October 12, 2008 at 9:28am

Hey Ana,
I was a little girl when I was diagnosed but when I came back to kindergarten after five weeks of being in the hospital, only three of my classmates would actually want to play with me and up until 7th grade I had those three friends and two boys who were not really my best friends but they were nice to me and defend me. I was transfered to a special ed school in 7th for my oncoloist found that my learning disabilities were caused my chemo and I couldn't handle public school anymore. I was much more comfotable and had lot more friends at my other school. I love my friends at college, they're awesome and very supportive and they allow to to vent about my experiences and it doesn't freak them out. I guess you find out who your real friends are when you experince something like cancer. It was very hard for me to forgive all my public school classmates who made of fun me from 1st to 7th grade but I did feel better. I know your stituation is much diffrent because you were diagnosed in college but I think friendships are hard when you've been through something like this. I'm glad the rest of your friends were still very supportive when you were going through treatments. Just keep those friends by you and everything will work out.
*Hugs* Sarah

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Permalink Reply by Rachel V. on October 12, 2008 at 9:04pm

Hey Ana, thank you so much for sharing your sacred story with us. I honor your courage to do this. I had a horrible experience in college with some roommates & it took me several years to learn to forgive and learn the lesson that I was suppose to learn as a result of all the horrors I endured for a year. For me, it took time. I could only do so much, but it was the passage of time and certain events that took place at certain times that could have only healed my heart.

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