9/15 NEW DIAGNOSIS: "Seems to be Can-ser Here-Al Qaeda Has Landed"

Prologue Comment: This reference in the above analogy is from my doctor referring to can-ser as "terroristic" cells bent on death and destruction. It is not intended to refer to any particular group of individuals or beliefs. Whether it was the Irish conflict - abortion clinic bombings- or recent events in history- all could be said to have been caused by terrorist cells, killer cells just like CAN-SER! I say that so as no one in our community takes any offense...this is my first post about my new turn in my journey and my need for the support of the tribes of the sexy healing kingdom for aid...I'm lighting the signal fires of this elf and calling all for prayer in whatever form you lend it. Blessed be, Bren

Journal Blog Entry: 9/15/2008:

In the movie, records spinning, voice over, "Happy Valentine's Day, you have cancer..." Play, rewind, repeat...

It's not Valentines, not a day full of symbols to the world, but now an anniversary, marked in time...one day it will be remembered as a testimony day...a day of beginnings...but not today, not yet...
...its cold, its just an ordinary frickin' day...this Monday, September 15, 2008. IT'S A FULL MOON...and i'm alone with my furries, bloggin w/my new friends in this sexy healing realm when my cell phone rings playing a tune I set up but have never heard, ever, ever call out in my home in 7 years..."Suspicious Minds"

-Why can't you see what you're doin' to me, when you don't believe a word I say...we can't go on this way with suspicious minds-

Its the ringtone set for all of my doctors, everyone has one so I know who it is without looking...a doctor...on my cellphone...what the hell??? That's never, ever happened...its a private cell phone, no one gets that number...only family and doctors.

Its my neurologist...with a nephrologist on conference call. Labs are back. Neuro has been my doc since 2001 and I love him. He's going slow telling me; gentle details, asking how I'm feeling. Protein analysis of blood have risen and protein is now present in urine. Protein IgA, consistent with blood and bone findings. Wham--Nephrologist interrupts and blurts out, "Cut to the chase--Look there's seems to cancer here consistent with Stage II multiple myeloma and there is no treatment because of your allergies and auto-immune deficiencies."

What the ???? Neuro jumps in to save me.

Pause Tape...The original analogy last fall with pre-cancer dx. was the protein cells were in my blood but not had not yet landed and caused any ruckus..explanation of the future--"It's like 9/11 waiting to happen, when will Al qaeda cells attack? and will the tower crumble? or will it stand?"

Press play again, Drs....they fuss, they fight, I get to ask some questions, barely...turns out its just over the border in Stage II. No treatment is required at this time, just watch and wait. My mind shouts, "Wait for what?" I learn that in addition to contrast, I'm allergic to classes of the first line drugs they use. F*Ck!

Need bone scan, x-ray and full body cat scans (damn orc-tunnels they are)...calm down...its okay, breathe in breathe out

Next course of action, I fired nephrologist and his orc-talking ass. He's not on-board with my healing plan.
Neuro cheers, conferences in cards, he cheers...they reconfirm diagnoses...They let me talk, they love on me, as usual, and they tell me I'm the strongest woman they know and we will beat this, together and they are on-board w/whatever my integrative holistic approach is. They want to share my journey, so keep talking. I have their cell phone numbers for years and for the first time, I may start using them...

I have not told my family yet, want to get ducks in a row so can give them answers. I need to think. I need to realign my spirit. But one thing I know for sure, I AM NOT AFRAID! i feel a calmness, but outside it is like the calm before the storm, so wise as I try to be, I'm stocking spiritual reserve and supplies and building up my inner woman. Rebuilding my altar...go to the mercy seat once again...prayer is like being in the room with your lover, no words are necessary any longer. He knows...reminds me of another journey recorded in my short story, "the Attic"

The woman was so weak and tired from her labor, she crumbled at His feet. He knelt, gently took her in His arms and simply held her.

In the silence there is rest. In His arms, there is safety.

Tears flowed now in sheer abandon, the dam had burst at last. Time slowed, as it watched in awe, the miracle that was taking place in its midst. Unaware, she drank in the warmth, the light and the love that seemed to emanate from His being.


Pray for me. Pray for resilience. I've seen death, I've met death...I've confronted him , I've stared the sucker in the eye and talked to him on a few occasions.

I've lived when they told me I died and should have not made it out of the operating room or come back from status epilepticus. I'M NOT GOING TO NOW.

I feel quiet, I have retreated a bit. I am nesting..here on this site, in my home, in my garden. Its what I do, I nest, I write, I sing, I dance, I write... I am experiencing a lot and just taking in the experience right now. I've learned a primary lesson early on in my first son's death..."There is no shadow, where there is no light" (the name of my first book). A shadow has once again been cast over me...but here come the sun....and the moon...and the butterflies...and love and all things in the light continuum...

Where there was darkness and rain, look for the rainbow, God's ultimate sign of love. I'm keeping my head up...and my eyes on the sky, watching for mine...in the meantime, there's a flock of butterflies swirling over my wild daisy potted plant ...its a sign ...a sign just for me that love is here...my master knows....

I love you my friends, more precious to me than any earthly treasure, my heart is full...blessed be, Bren