Where did all my friends go?

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Permalink Reply by Adventure Grrl on March 20, 2008 at 7:41pm

Hmmmm, this is a tough one. When my cousin died, I was shocked by how people reacted. Some very close friends, never even said anything, not even "I'm sorry." Some people did but once I got back from the funeral never brought it up once. I am facinated by this behavior. Did I bet on the wrong people? Are they only good friends when everything is happy and light? I will just say, I have come to realize, I would rather have 2 awesome friends, then 10 no so awesome ones. I know for you, you feel fragile because of how the other people treated you. But don't give the bad people that power. What I do is I pour all the energy that used to drain me from the old friends and turn it into something positive for the good friends. I also... don't take shit anymore. I don't collude by being silent about my cousin because people fear death. Sorry, it's a reality, grow up. How are you supposed to be there for your kid if you can't be there for me?

So I talk about my cousin if I miss him or I'm having a bad day. i challenge people to dismiss me or change the subject. I won't let them. And I feel like, at least I'm honoring myself that way. I don't know if I helped except to say, people are dumb and insensitive and I find it a lot easier to be friends with people who have gone through something because we speak a short hand, ya know?

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Permalink Reply by Baldylocks on March 20, 2008 at 8:02pm

It's true. The people who are still here have been there, done that, and know the drill. They have had previous life experiences with tragedy and have come through it, so I doubt I could scare them off.

I do talk about my life, as it is right now but that's not okay with people for some reason. The ones who do chat to me about it can laugh with me about it too.

I'm not surprised at people for fading out if this whole thing is too much for them. I'm more concerned/interested in the aggression towards me and where that is coming from.

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Permalink Reply by Guy on April 23, 2008 at 11:15pm

very wise words

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Permalink Reply by Liz D on March 20, 2008 at 8:02pm

I think people become more open and honest with their feelings when they have faced a life changing experience. Especially when it is a difficult one. I know that I tell it like it is and if my family and friends don't want to hear it, then that's okay. At the end of the day I have to live with myself.

I too have had many people that I thought would be there for me, turn and run the other way. I just figure that it is too much reality for them to handle and makes them have to come to terms with their own mortality.

I got a wake up call 14 years ago when my brother was diagnosed with aids. Having to watch him deteriorate to nothing was a major slap in the face. I had to look at my own life and see where I needed to make changes.

Now dealing with my own disease, I can understand why people shy away. It isn't easy watching people that you love go through all of the horror that we do.

In the end your true friends will be there for you, and I don't mean the very end, I mean when it is most important. In the mean time, remember you have a whole network of friends here to share in your joys and cry with you through your sorrows.

Liz

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Permalink Reply by Baldylocks on March 20, 2008 at 8:04pm

Thanks Liz. Well said.

I really do appreciate everyone here and being able to be open without uncomfortable reactions.

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Permalink Reply by Liz D on March 20, 2008 at 8:14pm

You are welcome.

We are all in the same boat, we just carry different shapes and sizes of oars.

I appreciate everyone too and I have only been on here two days. It's amazing how fast you can find new friends.

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Permalink Reply by OhmItOut on March 20, 2008 at 10:40pm

When my sister was diagnosed with brain cancer everyone flipped over backwards to be there for her. But as time wore on her roommate/best friend started to pull away, then really became angry and intolerant of her situation. This kind of huge, life changing situation brings out the best and the worst in everyone -- sometimes at the same time. But ultimately I think you really learn who your true life friends are. And that's a hard but valuable lesson to learn. Hang in there. You'll always have us. : )

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Permalink Reply by Baldylocks on March 20, 2008 at 10:52pm

Oops. I made a comment on the saying "you know who your real friends are" but I was writing as you posted this. Sorry, I wasn't being confrontational and my comment wasn't in response to yours!

Thanks for posting this. The people I know have become angry at me and it's a bit hard for me to see where this anger is coming from I bet your sister appreciates your support :)

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Permalink Reply by tinlunchbox on March 20, 2008 at 10:24pm

You said it girl! If only I could move on as everyone else moves on. At first I was completely overwhelmed with the phone calls and e-mails. Too overwhelmed. I hated it. I didn't want to talk to anyone because I was secretly hoping it would all go away. Now, as I get into treatment, I feel like the support is gone. The phone rings less and the inbox seems empty. My being sick is old news now. Everyone has moved on to the latest gossip. Well, I cannot say everyone. That would not be fair to the few who have stuck by. I want to move on and put this all behind me; however, I'm diving in and when I come up for air...I don't know if people will still be there. But I know one thing, the people who really care are going to be those that are helping me come up for air.

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Permalink Reply by Allie on March 20, 2008 at 10:25pm

When I was diagnosed with my bladder disease (non-cancerous) they same thing happened. Everyone was super supportive in the beginning but after time I guess the term "Out of sight, out of mind" explains it best. While everyone was bopping about I was stuck in doctors offices/home on apeshit loads of pain meds, etc. But when remission finally came, I tried reconnected, but I just couldn't. I'd changed as a person and they had too. And I just couldn't forget how absent they were when I needed them most (not to sound to vain, mind you). In the end though, I just gave them the "talk to the hand". If they really cared, they wouldn't have been so absence and so bitchy. (Can you tell I'm still a bit bitter? LOL). It's so frustrated, but I keep it in the front of my mind that there are wonderful, amazing people out there who are waiting to be be-friended by me :D. *HUGS*.

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Permalink Reply by Lori on March 20, 2008 at 10:34pm

*Winks*

Good luck getting rid of me!!

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Permalink Reply by Les H on March 20, 2008 at 10:42pm

I really think it must be the ugly stick...NOT! You are absolutely adorable!

WOW, good topic, as we are probably ALL dealing with this one. My SIL has not talked to me once...no card, no meal...nothing. I can say it is her hangups blah blah blah, but come on, grow up. But, they dont. They are stuck in their own stuff and we cant make them be more giving, more sensitive, more mature...we cant. We change at the speed of light when we hear the diagnosis and they dont. I think it makes them angry to have to face their own mortality through our illness. They dont like to have to realize it COULD be them. It scares them and they choose not to get past it.

So what do we do? Either be very clear, ie " It really hurts me that you have not been there...I really counted on you.." or, cut them loose. Avoid the toxic ones.

Interestingly, two "friends" have re-surfaced...they love being in the drama, hearing the gory news, feeling self important that they are sacrificing for the poor cancer girl. I give them very little, as I know they will disappear when they feel thay have done enough.

THAT is why this forum is so great...we can tell each other openly how we feel and know we are not alone.

THANX Kris!!!!

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