Cancer & Divorce

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Permalink Reply by Sarah on April 6, 2008 at 12:32am

HI. It's nice to know that someone else has had a similar experience. How did you change your being so you could find or attract a better kind of man? I'm not really ready to date yet but I know that I will be one day and I want to be the best that I can be to attract the best guy for me. I know that there is a better man out there other than my ex. Just like I am positive there is a better man for you than your ex.

Valentine's Day for me has always just been another day. I just always thought it was a silly holiday but deep down I wanted someone to do something for me. To make me feel special. I have never really had a good romantic one and I figured that I wouldn't. So, I guess that my valetines days had been lacking love, hope and romance. Maybe I'll find all of that someday.

I love reading Kris's book and hearing about how she found love. That gives me hope that we all will find the man that will love us, cancer and all. I can't wait. :-)

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Permalink Reply by Sarah on April 6, 2008 at 1:18am

Thank you for responding to me. I will definately check out for blog. :-)

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Permalink Reply by MagmaMaggie on April 6, 2008 at 4:01am

I wish I had advice for you but all I have is BIIIG hugs. <3

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Permalink Reply by Sarah on April 6, 2008 at 6:53pm

BIIIG hugs are just as good. It's just nice to be able to tell people about this garbabge and not be judged or anything, I couldn't ask for a better place.

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Permalink Reply by Baldylocks on April 6, 2008 at 7:05pm

Whoa! You're really dealing with a lot right now. I'm so sorry he chickened out on you like that. You deserve better, finding better is a little tougher. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. His actions were due to his own insecurities.

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Permalink Reply by Miss Marie on April 24, 2008 at 11:21am

I'm so sorry. I'm going through a divorce too and my soon to be ex husband had an affair with one of my good friends. They are now moving to another town together. It is awful. He told me on Valentine's Day that he wanted a divorce and then packed up and left at the end of February. He pretty much took all of our friends with him since they didn't know how to deal with this. (We're only 23 and we are the first of our friends to get married, and now divorced) Writing helped me a lot. I set up a secret blog where I could just let all the meanness out to strangers. I've since closed it down but it was wonderful when I needed it. I cursed, I was vulgar. I said really really hateful awful things about the two of them. It empowered me because it had a following of people who just kept telling me how better off I was now.

We didn't have kids either and I view this now as a blessing. If he did this now, he would have done it later and I feel so blessed to not have any children to drag through this. The only thing we had was a puppy and he took it.

Since the divorce I started my own photography business and another business related to photography. Starting and running two businesses has helped me occupy my time. I also changed my hair because I didn't want anything around me that was his before. I dove head first into the Crazy Sexy Lifestyle to try to get control over my fluctuating weight and depression and fatigue.

I'm starting to date a new man. He has been my best friend through all of this. He is actually the now ex husband of the woman my husband had an affair with. Crazy right? So he was the only person who really understood what I was going through.

I know it's scary. Every day I am sad by something that reminds me of my ex and that reminds me that I wasn't good enough for him and that he had to look to another woman. But I am making a new group of friends who are so loving, some of my old friends are coming back around, and each day gets a little easier.

I know exactly how awful you feel. I promise I do. And the only truth I can tell you is that every day will get a little easier and more normal and in the beginning of divorcing all you can do is just keep living through each day. Focus on yourself. Do whatever you need to to process it all. For me, I needed to let all the rage and hate out. I hate to be a total bitch to them online to total strangers to get it out of me. Now I've started journaling in a notebook. I just have to get all that stuff out of my head.

My husband and I dated since we were 16 so he has really been my life until now. It's terrifying and exciting to have my world at my feet. I'm thinking of moving to Europe for a year or so. I'm doing things I'd have never done before. And I'm learning what it feels like to be loved by a real man in this new relationship. I am getting the type of affection I thought only happened in movies. It's a really good thing.

Divorce sucks. There's no way around that. It hurts more than anyone can imagine. But you're sooooo strong. And you are gorgeous. And you are worthy of real love.

Go get a mani-pedi, get a massage, dance, do yoga, journal, start making mental lists of things you want to do now that you can, get new makeup, buy new clothes, whatever makes you feel better do it. It's so important for you to find out who you are now and who you want to be.

Sending so much love your way!

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Permalink Reply by Rachel V. on April 30, 2008 at 12:02pm

A day at the spa....a facial, manicure & pedicure would do it for me!

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Permalink Reply by Mike on May 1, 2008 at 2:18am

Hi. First off your soon to be ex-husband is a loser, nothing more. I think that by acknowledging that its hard to let someone go normally, let alone when your dealing with cancer is a great first step to your mental well-being. This will allow you to focus on healing yourself "inside" and then you will be able to enter the arena of relationships feeling stronger and better. Stay positive, and remember, you found a loser last time, you only have better people to meet.

Mike

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Permalink Reply by Joe on May 1, 2008 at 9:19am

No advice, but I would like to wish you the best. I'm single and since the cancer thing, dating has been hard for me. If I date someone and it has potential and they don't know about it, when do I say something? How do I say it? Then I question why someone would date me right now? I'm also looking for advice. It is uncharted waters for me and I have to admit, as much as I would like to, I'm afraid to test the waters for fear of it being too cold or deep. Pretty much sucks.

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Permalink Reply by Rhonda on May 1, 2008 at 9:58am

I AGREE!!! It's hard to 'get out there' and meet people and have fun knowing I have this big thing that I will have to tell them at some point. I want to have fun, go camping, have someone ask about my day, etc. but... I am not so sure how to approach the cancer thing. When I found out people/men got wierd about it... said they would call and check on me (didn't), said that things wouldn't change (they did), said that it didn't matter (as if), even stopped hugging me! Perhaps it's better to not say anything, but that seems wrong too.

Help!

PS. Great new photo Joe.

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Permalink Reply by txbutterfly on May 10, 2008 at 8:18pm

Hello Sarah ... I can so relate with what you've gone through ... been there done that ... I too had no desire whatsoever either to have sex or even be "sexy" when I first started going through chemotherapy ... but what didn't help matters was that my husband at the time wasn't supportive of the "issues" that I was dealing with ... it was always about him ... his needs ... I also had some major changes with my skin ... acne ... never had any problems until chemo ... my self esteem was at an all time low ... so I became depressed ... then I started turning my own life around ... divorce first ... then I found myself again ... which was so liberating for me ... I lost weight ... got put on accutane which cleared up my acne problem ... bought sexier clothes ... was interested again in wearing makeup ... bought and wear a sassy & sexy wig ... wanted to be in a relationship again so have dated a few times ... and guess what they don't even guess that I have chemo ... I don't wear it on my sleeve and only if I feel that we will see each other more than a few times will I even bring it up ... but, I would bring it up sooner rather than later ... also, I got a tattoo which was just not like me but I love the new me ... I continue to do & experience new things which has been so much fun. LIFE bring it on!! Hugs, ~Beth~

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Permalink Reply by Colleen on June 20, 2008 at 11:20am

The best book I have ever read on this subject is "Spiritual Divorce: by Debbie Ford. It helped me put it all perspective and deal with my feelings. I am the one in my that initiated my seperation...I felt life was too short to be unhappy.

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