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I just got the call only a couple of hours ago, the one I have been dreading, the one I didn't want to answer. My dad passed away this morning from pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed last year. The last time I saw him was on April 4th, his 60th birthday. He and I have struggled with our relationship my whole life because of his alcoholism. He was always difficult, even when he sobered up. I have spent most of my life keeping him at a distance because he was always very toxic to me. Before his birthday I hadnt seen him in about 8 months. We only talked through email. He asked me to come and see him for his birthday, maybe he knew his time would be ending soon. I wondered if it would be the last time we saw each other. Sadly it was.
When I saw him he was wasting away, and didn't even look like the person knew. Even as I write this I still can't believe it is true. This past weekend I celebrated my 5th wedding anniversary and on the same day my 7 years as a cancer survivor. And I am left with many different feelings...guilt for staying away from him for so long, wondering why I survived cancer and he didn't, and that I didn't do more for him when he was sick.
But what I can say is that on his birthday, although our visit was short we said what was most important, things that were never said.....our "I love you's" and we hugged which never happened. I recall when I left him that day, as I wondered if it was the last time I would see him, that at least I could feel ok about not having regrets for what I didn't say.
Oh, Cathy, my heart goes out to you, hon. I lost my dad in December and I have never felt such depth of pain. If I may offer you what worked for me, I suggest letting your emotions flow. Don't block anything you're feeling, but remain aware of that quiet place behind or underneath the emotion that is pure peace and stillness. It is there, even if it's only a pinprick of space at the back of your thoughts. You've probably heard "The only way out is through." That was true for me. I allowed myself time to feel whatever I had to feel, as horrible as it was, and I know that it was very healing. The pain and in your case confusion is almost too much to bear at times, but know that you will get through this. When we are broken, we are also broken open-into a new depth of compassion. I hope that you can feel the connection to all who have suffered such pain. We are there with you, holding you up as you grieve. Sending you immense love and deep peace- Sandra
Cathy, I'm so sorry for your loss. May the range of feelings you have about your Father's passing settle into a calming peace, as you hold all of this in your heart. Sending heartfelt blessings & prayers to you as you move thru this passage.
Michalene
Cathy, I feel the pain of your loss and I am sorry. So many of us have/had difficult relationships with parents and family members, but it is never easy to say goodbye. When I lost my dad (11 years ago) I lived at the other end of the country and it was a very traumatic experience for me. I cherish the conversation we had only the night before and thank God for the gift that we had some time to say the "important" things to each other one more time. Even now, the pain remains...and I am still learning to appreciate all that we had and did together. I wish you comfort and love....xo Sherry
So sorry to hear the news about your dad. Sounds like you had some major healing occur during your last visit with him. No doubt there will be memories flooding through now that he has transitioned onto his next adventure. It has been a long time since my father died, but I still miss him. Just a photo, or whif of his cologne can take me back to so many good memories. Focus on the good stuff as much as you can.
Oh Darling... I am so sorry about you loss. Losing you Dad no Matter what the relationship Had been it had obviously changed. I am so sorry that your dad had to suffer so. I want to put my two cent into this and just leave it hear or if there is anything of value keep it. I truely believe that when people(better word) souls pass from this life into the light of God whatever you belive God to be I Know that they gain full knowledge of the love the held in life and all the stuff that happened in life fell away. He knows that you loved him..struggled with these feelings and loved him some more.. and in God all is beautiful and safe. He sounds like he had some demons of his own to fight and with God no more demons.. So try and rest easy in the fact that all knowing comes upon death and we will see our loved ones again. Our souls will meet them daily and the part of you that is your soul and the part of your dad that is his both live in God so he is there. Loving you without baggage from life.. SO grieve this loss and then.. take some time and be happy that you love him.. Dont question the past. Just make peace with it. Know you are loved here and we are all sending you healing light and love thru our prayers and energy I know this is a hard one to get thru. If you need anything know you have a place to vent. Much love and blessings. Callie
Cathy,
I am deeply sorry to hear about your father's passing. I know what it's like to deal with raw emotions from a father that was an alcoholic and the struggles during life to try and make some sort of relationship work. It sounds like your last visit went as well as you could have hoped for and now he has moved on to a place where he is no longer suffering. Hope you take comfort in that and find some peace in your heart eventally when you think about him.
Love.
Gina
so sorry Cathy.. I had a similar deal with my dad.. on his last birthday he gave US presents. It was sad and I struggled for a long time after he passed with all the things we did NOT do together or say to each other.
I finally did come to peace by writing to him, crying, praying and finally forgiving both of us.
It takes work and it takes time but Peace will come to you...
Prayers for you and your family
Deb
Sorry for the loss of your father. I know that is very painful. I agree with Rhonda. The healing began in April. Cherish that memory forever. That is the one that will get you thru. May peace come soon.
Cathy, I am very sorry for your loss. It is so good that you had that time with him on his birthday to just have time together and say things that went unsaid in days past. Sending you good energy. Hugs
Cathy, I am so sorry for your loss. I just want to give you a big hug. I know from reading your book how difficult your relationship with your Dad was and I think you really did all the right things. I'm glad that you got to say goodbye and "I love you" - those are the things that matter. If I can be here in any way for you, please let me know.
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