Let's talk about dating and our crazy sexy love lives...

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Permalink Reply by Baldylocks on June 2, 2008 at 6:46pm

I'm looking forward to the future and wondering the same thing myself. Although I think dating is a ways off for me yet.

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Permalink Reply by Caroline on June 2, 2008 at 6:56pm

I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer at 19. I think what ended up working the best for me was to wait to get a relationship established and then tell a new boyfriend. Canser can cause people to run for the hills.I think it really depends on both people and how they handle medical news. I would bring it up when we were alone and had some time to discuss it. Some people are more curious than others. One boyfriend asked my what my scar was from. Another boyfriend found a benign tumor. (Guess exes have their uses some how.)

With my husband, I made sure he was fully aware of my medical history before we got married - 3 years ago. He has been with me since my latest diagnosis and I just tell him everything as it happens and get him to come to other doctor appointments.

Right now I am in biopsy hell waiting for a bone scan and another biopsy after a bad mammogram. I opted to only proactively tell my parents. I sent them an email and said I had another bad mammogram and didn't want to talk about it. They actually have been very good. By now, lots of my friends and relatives know through my blog. I have a separate blog than my one here that I update daily specifically to keep everyone up to date on what's going on. I started it just to avoid all those uncomfortable conversations and having to repeat the status of my health daily. It actually seems to be working well.

My husband is also been great. I think we no longer have much of a sex life because of the drugs, the stress, and generally not feeling up to it. He is definitely there for me and has been fairly active in my treatment. (He can see anything but a pelvic exam and my weight.)

There is dating, sex, romance, and fun after canser. I think just think about when and how you tell them.

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Permalink Reply by bueller on June 8, 2008 at 5:21pm

You have a great attitude and outlook Caroline!

Bueller

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Permalink Reply by Lauren a.k.a Lau on June 2, 2008 at 7:25pm

Sharing such info is scary no matter what!

I found my tumor when I was on vacation with my best friend and my fiance. Thank God those two have stuck beside me like glue- it's tough when you feel so alone.

Cancer, surgery, stress, medications, the unknown all affect me physically and mentally and that does affect my love life. I don't have the energy like I used to. Some days I am perfectly content to just rest, sleep cuddle, and I wonder if this is affecting my man. I do ask him to be honest, and I do believe he is- but our love life is a bit lacking.

We're also in the process of buying a place and I am hoping that a new outlook on life will perk me up. We find that little dates out to dinner or walking in the woods has the same affect as a romp under the sheets. It's less stressful and less pressure to perform (if-you-know-what-I-mean)!

I think being upfront when you feel comfortable and safe is the best bet. I am not sure about dating, I had a man when I was diagnosed, but I always felt honesty was the best policy. Same went for friends. I am just up front and honest. And positive, even though I may not have been in the most positive mood.

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Permalink Reply by Debbie on June 2, 2008 at 7:30pm

Darn it B, I don't get to date!
My hubby was at points scared, in denial and seems now to be fully on board and backing me up. Yesterday he asked that I not make him "the other dinner" that I usually serve to him and the kids, he said" I want to eat exactly what you are eating." So, he is getting there, slowly but surely.
I think if you have a guy who is just meat crazed or a phobic re: any illness, Houston, we've got a problem!
Good luck out there in the stream of dating, it is so very complex sometimes!
deb

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Permalink Reply by bueller on June 8, 2008 at 5:22pm

I agree Lauren!

B

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Permalink Reply by Sweetlife on June 2, 2008 at 7:56pm

I was already married 14 yrs when I was diagnosed 4 years ago. My husband has always told me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am, no matter what (scars, no hair, no breast, etc.) I am very lucky and I believe that he would never leave me.

The other side of that is that he has a drinking problem & has often gotten drunk & blamed it on all of the "stress" (my illness) in his life. He gets drunk & says he needs to escape it. I'd love to escape it too, but it is real and obviously self destructive behaviors do not help. They certainly don't add any romance to our relationship.

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Permalink Reply by Tina on June 2, 2008 at 10:47pm

Bueller,

Good Question. I have recently completed chemo after having a total mastectomy. Reconstruction will come in about 6 months. I was seeing someone when I was diagnosed but decided to break it off because I just didn't think he was strong enough to go through the journey with me. We hadn't been dating long. I basically have felt like I may not date again. I never really imagined growing old along but at this point in my life how do plan for a future knowing that at any time the cancer could come back. I am very self conscious about my body right now so I am sure I won't be dating for quite a while if at all.

Very confusing stuff...

Tina

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Permalink Reply by Anastasia on June 3, 2008 at 11:51am

I am going to align myself a little more with some of the sentiments here (like Tina and Debbie) than others. I have watched family and friends go through cancer at young ages in various romantic situations and have been on the other side myself with the dating. I have also seen people go through many other serious conditions besides cancer that have pretty heavy stressors with them. Even for people who are already established in a good relationship this can make or break them (I think Kris wrote that in her book as well). For me personally, I just didn't feel comfortable (and I'm a chick!) getting involved with someone who was in the middle of going through something very difficult (one was an alcoholic just beginning AA and another was sick). It is extremely hard to build a good foundation with someone who is experiencing a massive attack of emotions.

That's not to say there aren't exceptions to the rule but it isn't generally healthy to begin relationships if one is looking for someone else to validate them or make them feel better about themselves. I wouldn't necessarily accuse someone of not wanting to get involved as it being the other person's stuff. I know when I was single and dating I learned it wasn't too wise for ME to get involved with someone who had just gone through a divorce or who's sibling had committed suicide. These guys were still battling with demons and as a friend of mine says, their baggage was out and open and all over the place. There are periods of time when it is ok to not date and make sure you are dealing and taking care of yourself well first. Love thyself first I think is the motto. If you aren't feeling good about yourself (and that's not to mean you would feel great all the time but overall) it's probably not a good time to date....and having dated for quite a few years....men tend to freak out if they think you are looking to them right away to help carry you through something when they've just met you.
I found that out the hard way for myself and in a way it helped me learn to work from the inside out first. Then when my mother passed away after a long and tedious battle with cancer within a year of other serious crisises....I held off from dating to give my spirit some time to heal and do some introspection and kind of get my baggage together and stored under the seat.
The point of this is that when you are in the middle of going through (acutely) something serious and traumatic and still searching for someone...the chances do lean greater that someone who is not invested in you yet could easily be spooked off and not ready to take you and the situation on. We all have experienced rejection but when things are already tough for you.....you need to weigh whether you want to risk experiencing this as well (and how frequently) at such a fragile time.
If you are comfortable with yourself and feel somewhat stable with your situation ...great. If you are struggling alot with how you feel about yourself, physically, and things are stressful ....take a breather (like Tina ...although I certainly would disagree that she should never date again though!!). But taking some time to take care of yourself and date when you are feeling better always brings more to the table. If you are pretty single right now ...no one is going to love you more than how you can love yourself. And if you can take care of yourself well, you are setting the standard for who ever you do wind up dating later....weeds out the losers!! Other than that...honesty is the best policy as always...make things less complicated at the very least.
Best to you! 'Stasia

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Permalink Reply by bueller on June 8, 2008 at 5:24pm

Tina I wish you the best . I'm sure dating will be in your future. Maybe it helps to not think of if it will or won't happen but instead just focus on the moment and enjoy that! That is really all we have anyway. I have found though that talking about what I would like to have life, whether a man or a job does help manifest it. So that's another option. I can't imagine how hard it must be. Wishing you the best!


Anastasia - Very well said! That is so true. You are very wise!
Be well
Bueller

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Permalink Reply by Cathy on June 3, 2008 at 8:09am

I was widowed when I was 25 and 7 years later was dx'd with breast cancer at 31 years old..that was 7 years ago. I was dating at the time which was tough already without loosing a boob! I had a mastectomy, reconstruction and 6 months of chemo. So there I was bald and boobless still looking for love. I dating quite a bit throughout all my treatments and for me I decided to be upfront quickly with the guy I was dating...actually my physical appearance especially the bald head kinda forced me to. Some guys were nice in bowing out and others were jerks, but then again, I think that can be the case without cancer!
As I approached the end of my chemo I met a man online who I told at the get go about my situation, and he shared with me he had just lost his mom to breast cancer a month before we met. We began to date and 6 months later we were engaged. this past saturday we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary! He was able to see past all the scars and the bald head to who I really was. He comes with me to all my doc checkups which is tough each time for us in different ways.
So I am proof it is possible. I think that you have to make your own decisions with all this and what you are most comfortable with as far as when to tell and how much. And just keep in mind that whatever the reaction it is because of the other persons stuff and not yours.

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Permalink Reply by bueller on June 8, 2008 at 5:28pm

Cathy - Good for you for being so strong and putting out there what you want and who you are and were in that moment. What an inspirational story! Congrats on 5 years!

BUeller

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