CanSer Faux Pas!

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Permalink Reply by Austin from Earth! on June 22, 2008 at 8:52am

Just 15 days after my diagnosis I was telling an acquaintance at Mass about it, and what I was facing with surgery/recovery... she literally said to me, "I'm not worried about it, why are you?" Yes, that's a direct quote from October 14, 2006. (Gotta love Livejournal...LOL)

I've never gotten over her saying that.

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Permalink Reply by Debbie on June 22, 2008 at 11:08am

Hey a
It's easy to "not worry" when it's not your body that's being fucked with! sounds like she has a compassion deficiency, but not to worry, just like the story of the mustard seed, everyone's house is visited by some sort of suffering.
Perhaps one day you can comfort her when she gets some bad news ... then she may understand.

Worry is useless, take it from a life long worrywart!
love you deb

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Permalink Reply by Austin from Earth! on September 16, 2008 at 9:52pm

You know the damndest thing about it all Deb? She works in a fucking doctors office!! Makes you want to go to that doctor, right?

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Permalink Reply by Debbie on September 16, 2008 at 11:14pm

hey does she work in MY dr's office? Or her scary robotic twin sister????
My onc assistant has no heart I am sure of it.. or at least she hides it when she is at work...
love you
deb

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Permalink Reply by Della on June 22, 2008 at 11:46am

As I am 31 and given the strongest/longest dose of chemo they can give they told me it very well could push me into pre-menopause. No real discussion over whether or not I would like to have more kids. I have one little girl. I really love it when people just assume it doesn't matter all that much that you may never be able to have a bigger family and say" well, at least you have one". Like the whole purpose of being a woman is being stolen and I shouldn''t care. I wasn't given any info on fertility or time to really adjust to it. Don't ya think a super fab cancer center would at least send in the councelors before throwing into the poison induced stuper...

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Permalink Reply by Jen B on June 22, 2008 at 12:50pm

Della, I get this too. I have breast cancer and I'm shocked to say that many non-c women respond with this type of rant, "Are ya gonna just chop them off that's what I would do can you imagine no more bra no more flopping boobs not more soreness during your period they are falling anyway how would it be to just have the dumb things off boy would swinging a golf club be so much easier and you would actually lose weight and no more worries about how they are growing closer to the floor every year my mom did and now she saves money every year on bras and bla bla bla."

These "supportive" women are talking about chopping of some of my most feminine body parts and throwing them away like they are as expendable as a bad piece of banana! It is so weird.

Another peeve: I hate it when you tell someone that you have canser and they instantly make it all about them to the point where you have to console them (sometimes many times). I just don't say anything anymore unless I really need to use the c-card for some reason. The worst reaction ever (from a relative who I have not seen in 25 years and has emailed maybe 5 times total) said, "I'm completely devastated!" I responded, "Why? I'm not. And you're not the one with canser anyway so buck up." Ridiculous.

If my "supporters" could get their way this is how it would be:

Jen's breasts: R.I.P 1961 - 2008

It was nice knowing you, girls. Sniff.

Thanks for the safe place to rant - Love, Jen

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Permalink Reply by Christine on June 22, 2008 at 8:09pm

Jen,

It's ironic that you say this-- I think many of us DO take for granted that we would know how we'd feel "if it ever happened to us," but I believe the misconception is due to one, women do NOT know how they would feel, and two, many of us like to believe that we would feel relieved if it wasn't our lives at risk but that that part could be "cut out." Even though this IS a misconception, I think it makes people feel better to believe this. And you're absolutely right, there are people who don't know any other way than to make it about themselves.

I was at the Relay for Life yesterday and I saw a couple of women making luminaria for friends or loved ones, and they were clearly writing messages to women who were breast cancer survivors.. and they were writing things like "chop 'em off" or something- I can't remember exactly- and I really WANTED to say something but figured it wasn't so much my business.. they didn't mean it maliciously, that was clear- they just didn't know better. I'm sorry about your breasts. RIP girls :-)

Christine

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Permalink Reply by Christine on June 22, 2008 at 8:52pm

Della,

I'm sorry to hear this happened. They absolutely should have discussed this with you and were remiss in not doing so- I think that many providers get wrapped up in saving your life and they get tunnel vision (I do not mean this in a sarcastic way at all- rereading it, it sounded like it might have been, but I am serious.) It's definitely easier for men because they can bank their sperm quite easily, but for women, they frequently don't have the time (figure at least 3 months) to stimulate their ovaries and go through the embryo-freezing process. And, if your cancer is hormone-related, it may not be advisable to go that route either as it could progress your cancer, or the delay in treatment could do the same. All of these things, though, definitely should have been discussed with you.

Christine

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Permalink Reply by Amanda on June 22, 2008 at 7:04pm

Many of the comments you all have listed are just plain infuriating. However I must say some of these comments I am guilty of making. Upon seeing a friend who had been seriously ill I told her she looked great. I was commenting on her new outfit but she thought I was referring to the weight she lost. Another friend was going through a divorce and I asked the same question I ask everyone I talk to- How's it going? She nearly bit my head off. So, my question is- What do you say to someone who is going through illness/hardship without hurting their feelings or otherwise stepping on toes? And if it turns out something I said came out wrong what do I do?

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Permalink Reply by Austin from Earth! on June 22, 2008 at 7:41pm

There's never really any way of knowing how someone is going to take what you say/ask them. There are the obvious things that one should know...for instance, "I know how you feel." Umm, no... no you don't.

I actually emailed this link to everyone I knew at one point... http://www.cancer.org/docroot/MIT/content/MIT_1_4x_Ways_to_Respond....;

However, I really don't see what's wrong with asking "How's it going?" She must have been having a really shitacular day and no matter what you would have said would have resulted the same...

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Permalink Reply by Christine on June 22, 2008 at 8:03pm

Amanda,

As someone who frequently puts her foot in her mouth (sometimes both feet!) my opinion on this is simply to be sincere- and if you don't know what to say, say that & listen. If you feel you've offended someone, just apologize and don't "over-explain", by which I mean, for example, telling your friend you thought she looked great-- once you know she was upset by thinking you meant one thing, just say "Hey, I never meant to hurt your feelings, and for the record, I was being sincere in my compliment and was talking about your beautiful outfit. I'm really sorry if you thought otherwise." And the divorce issue.. if she bites off your head, you might say "I'm sorry, it must be really difficult to have people asking all the time. I don't really know what to say, but what can I do to help?" If you mean what you say, or even just listen to someone who is having a difficult time, no matter what the situation, that is sometimes more helpful. It's really hard for most people to just LISTEN when someone is in a tough situation- our inclination to help, or to fix, frequently backfires- but (and people here can correct me if I'm wrong-- as I said, this is just my opinion) having someone sincerely tell you that they care & that they are here for you is worth more than any cliche or platitude.

Christine

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Permalink Reply by Jen B on June 22, 2008 at 8:31pm

Christine and Austin (above) -

You both make such good points. We all need to keep in mind that our cancer isn't exactly easy for other people either. It makes them understandably uncomfortable and yes, they frequently don't know what to say. I, too, have opened-mouth-inserted-foot on many occassions.

Further, and I think this is important, we all need to allow people to feel how they feel, re-act how they re-act, and cope how they cope. It is all very individual and that is honestly how I forgive the ding-a-ling things that are sometimes said. I send gratitude to the Universe that the person is at least trying.

And, let's be honest, a lot of this depends upon what mood you are in when the comment is spoken. If I am having a day filled with the goonies, then I am likely to be less understanding that I am on other days.

I try to be as understanding as possible because the journey is new to everybody involved. However some of the above are simply inexcusable.

Paix - Jen

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