A losing battle with nutrition?

You may have realised I've been a bit quiet for a while. I've stopped crowing about my super-smoothies and my ventures towards solid food, simply because it ain't happening. After two doses of radiotherapy, neither of which appear to have done much except maybe stop the bleeding from my main oesophageal cancer (my back is no better at all), I have observed the relentless weight loss (over 52 lbs so far) and it took a bio-scientist friend of mine to say "You'd better get back on those Ensures or you won't be here for long! You need the carbohydrates they offer and you need them now!"

So today I reluctantly went on to Ensures again in the hope that it might give me a brief respite from becoming a living skeleton. What really brought it home were the family photos after my son's wedding on Tuesday (see them at Adam and Mandy's Wedding at http://www.flickr.com/gp/16735390@N00/054kh9 and I'm sure you'll agree!) Watching my family and friends watching me was an education! I think it's time for me to concentrate on building up a bit as the "good food" is not helping at all.

Any further advice welcome.

Another problem is that the nature of these sickly drinks is that they come straight back up if I drink the slightest amount of fruity stuff, because they curdle into lumps which won't go down because the aperture to my stomach is now so tiny. I crave ice cold fruity things but can't have them without real discomfort.

I will see my oncologist next Thursday and she will offer me chemo but knows I'll say "NO". She may offer me a stent to allow food down but the dangers here are making the cancer bleed again and metastasize further, as well as possible rejection.

My spiritual side is being well looked after with meditation, reiki and an excellent grop of positive buddies, so do not fear for my state of mind. But, when the body is so relentlessly attacked, it's hard to see that in a positive way without deluding oneself.

Working is tougher now but I'm still doing it as we have to pay the mortgage. After that, who knows?

Love to all from a not-quite-so-chirpy TonyO

xxx

I'd just like to add that the response from so many good friends has really helped me to feel strong and resolute!!! I am so full of gratitude and love for you all...