Where did all my friends go?

Do I smell? Do I offend? Is it because I've been beaten by an ugly stick? They all seemed to like me before so why am I being ditched now that cancer is in my life?

Over thirty people went to my grad art show when I was in hospital. Fabulous fundraisers and messages of support were sent to me daily from hundreds of people. Two communities rallied to help me out financially.

Where are they now? In the last year I've been told off by 5 people who were close to me. I haven't been socializing, I've been in hospital or at home in bed so it's not like I've been able to do anything to offend them in their worlds. I've been sick for two years and things are looking up, I'm finally getting better!

It's hard to stay positive when people are treating me with such anger and drama. Two people have stuck by my side but I'm starting to get nervous, not that I doubt their commitment to me.

I think everyone was into the excitement of my diagnosis but have ditched because it's gotten boring. I'm getting a feeling this is a common occurrence among cancer folk. As another a super brilliant CrazySexy peep said to me, "I'm about to put out an ad for a new family on Craigslist". Hopefully the ad will work for new friends too.

Sorry to be a sourpuss but this is important. How is everyone else doing out there with this?

Tags: abandonment, friends

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by genie on March 26, 2008 at 8:10am: Please let me comment about caretakers. First of all, gone hiking, hats off to you for being in the very scary role of supporting your loved one through c. treatment. It's no small thing! Plus, the support that does manage to come through is usually for the person with c. and not for the caretaker. I know that being in the supportive role is pretty damned nearly as bad as it is for the patient, and my heart goes out to you.

When I was having chemo, I wished that more people would step up to help out my husband. My husband and son work together and my son took on a lot more of the work to be supportive. My bil called two or three times a week just to chat with my husband and let him blow off steam. I'm eternally grateful to those two for being so supportive of my man. However, there was a marked lack of understanding on the part of most people.

Let's all remember to reach out to the caregivers we know and send a little appreciation/support their way.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Baldylocks on March 26, 2008 at 1:38pm: I have to agree the caregiver role is as hard as the cancer patient role but in different ways.

Yay! to the caregivers! We'd be nowhere without you!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Sabrina on March 26, 2008 at 3:04pm: Genie, I agree with you 100%. My mom, dad and I have been caregivers to my sister approaching 1 year on March 28th. She has extensive neurological damage and it's quite time-demanding. I don't mind helping out at all. Of course it makes for long days and can be hard to squeeze in time with my friends etc... but getting her back is priority for the 3 of us!

It does help so much having people come over just to hang out..not even "having" to do anything. Just being there to ease the loneliness helps....since the accident it's as though we never have friends over anymore = as if since the accident our needs somehow changed to just needing help rather than still needing friendly contact.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Gemma on March 28, 2008 at 5:07pm: Yay to the caregivers definitely! My mum, dad and brother have been amazing! And I think it's harder to watch someone be ill than to focus on getting better when you are ill, because I think you can often feel so helpless when you're the caregiver!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Glamma karen on April 10, 2008 at 11:52am: Can I be part of your new family? I am new to this so I am still in the everyone jumping in to help but a few a few I think are afraid.And I suppose after awhile they forget.Maybe it is a good thing if they treat you normal again haha if there ever is a normal in this but you know what i mean.Do not let it drown your spirit.
We are here for you
karen; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Lori on April 10, 2008 at 12:26pm: Can I ever relate to this...but I'm losing my friends when they first find out about the diagnosis. I guess it scares people, or they think its contagious...or something....I don't know...I don't talk about what's happening to me (I recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer)...I try to act and joke around as I always have...but still they only have time for a quick hello and have to run off quickly... I tell myself that its not that people don't want to talk to me, it's that I've suddenly developed these incredible motivational skills..every time I walk in a room everyone immediately feels motivated to leave and go do the things they've been putting off...lol.. (I have to find some way to laugh about it or it would make me too sad). Think of it as when you go through your clothes closet after you've lost alot of weight.....there might be something in there that you really love and want to keep in your life, but it no longer fits because you've changed, so you have to let it go....some people no longer "fit" in our lives because we've changed..and although we love them, we have to let them go. Nobody's right, nobody's wrong...its just change. And when we lose something from our life, it leaves room for something, or someone new to come into it.... Well, this is what I'm telling myself right now anyway....; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Elaine on April 10, 2008 at 12:32pm: Hey Lori,

A very profound way of looking at it "no longer fits because you've changed, so you have to let it go....some people no longer "fit" in our lives because we've changed..and although we love them, we have to let them go" I was just diagnosed in Jan 08 with leukemia and still most friends are still around. When it happens to me which I sure it will I will think about what you said.

Thanks for the input.
e; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Baldylocks on April 10, 2008 at 2:50pm: If you really think about your choices in people, then you will see there are others who will happily be there for you. After my last friend left I have been giving more thought to others who made their interest known. I'm now getting to know people who have much more similar interests to me. It feels good after all the rejection.

These people care about where I am at right now, and are still interested in me for other reasons, like my art.

When your closet isn't cluttered you can fit in the perfect outfits.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Carrie Belair on April 10, 2008 at 8:50pm: Excellent insite Lori.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by the gaudy goddess on April 11, 2008 at 3:01pm: Oh how true....I had friends that said they would be there the whole way...then I didn't hear from them for 7 or 8 months. Also, what is with people saying "if you need anything, anything at all, just call?" then you call, even for just mundane things, and they make every excuse in the book to not help you? What is that about. I mean, don't say you want to help, if you don't mean it. I think people enjoy drama too much in their lives, that they feel that they cannot find validation when faced with the grace we tend to handle our situations with. They really want to wade in their own crap, and wallow around...yet when they see me coming, they get almost annoyed by my upbeat, quirky style and personality. I think alot of it just has to do with maturity and the fact that most of the people around me haven't had to deal with these issues so close to home...so their response is to flee.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Lori on April 11, 2008 at 3:26pm: Here's what a friend (that is still around) wrote to me when she read my post....

"As for the peoples who don't "fit" anymore...well, like someone I know says, "Fuck the fucking fuckers". They don't fit you because you're growing. I know what that's like, to grow through experiencing something bigger than me and have to leave people behind. Look at it like this...sometimes the path is unseen, sometimes the path is dark, sometimes the path is lonely, but that's probably because you're on YOUR path and sometimes there's only room for one to walk it."

Oh I love her....smart lady...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Baldylocks on April 12, 2008 at 10:02pm: Fuck the Fucking Fuckers!

I love it! That would be an anger deflating mantra. I'd have to laugh after saying that a few times.; ▶ Reply to This