I need some help with my breakdown

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sweetlife on April 16, 2008 at 10:35am

Yes, any negative statements will go right into my bubbles!!!

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by strongerthanit on April 15, 2008 at 1:34pm

Hi Jenny - You are not alone.....that is for sure. It is good that you are speaking openly about this issue; all of these comments convey much honesty and support. My sons are now 17, 16, 15, and 13 - I was first diagnosed when they were 9, 8, 7, and 5. I have breast cancer mets with one illness/surgery/treatment after another - now I'm at NIH. And yes - the anger is very real and very understandable. My biggest mistake was that during those early years of my illness I tried to hide/minimize it all from them - you know, in the name of "protecting the kids". And hey, I was a strong mom! Little did I know.....the illness never "went away" and now my teens are, well, teens. And you know all about those! Add to that mix huge medical issues.....need I say more? You are there. My point is not to upset you more - but to convince you that you are becoming empowered - you are wonderfully bold to bring this issue up. I've not weighed in on Kris's forum - until now. Although I support Kris and her posse enormously, I was one of the ones who stopped writing when the CSL became so big! But, this is ONE issue I cannot keep quiet about. Just keep talking and thinking and writing. You're on the right path. M

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Sweetlife on April 15, 2008 at 3:40pm

Thanks to you Stronger!!!
Yes, I am becoming empowered! I do think my blowup was a very good thing. Things are already improving. How sad/funny that when I went for 3 MRIs today I enjoyed the 2 hours alone in the machine as if I were on vacation! It was actually a lovely (noisy) break.
Yes, I do intend to keep writing & talking & thinking...I agree with you that I am on the right path. I hope that you are on the right path now w/ your teenagers & I am glad that you added your voice to this discussion & reached out to me...thank you!

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jenny on April 15, 2008 at 5:27pm

MRI's have become very peaceful for me. I have some of my best naps in them!

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Sweetlife on April 15, 2008 at 10:04pm

Yes! I especially loved my first breast MRI after my mastectomy a few years back...I was finally able to lay on my stomach because of the breast cut outs. I fell right asleep! the techs were surprised until I told them it was the first time I was able to get comfortable & I wish I had one for home!

Today's MRIs were actually very relaxing like you said...a little get away!

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by strongerthanit on April 15, 2008 at 7:45pm

You are welcome - I am very happy that you feel calmer now. Just never ever forget that your pain - physical or emotion - is very, very real and should never be ignored, diminished, or minimized. You've got a threshold and under stress and pressure, a breaking point - often a result of cancer or any other life-altering illness or situation. If those around you cannot buttress you in time of need then do what you did so perfectly - surround yourself with others who have walked in your shoes. M

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Sweetlife on April 15, 2008 at 10:05pm

Yes....I must remember the mantra of the women in my support group....."I matter, damn it!" (pound fist on table)

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Carol C. on April 15, 2008 at 8:28pm

Jenny,
Just reading this thread now and wanted you to know how much I related to what you've been experiencing - mine isn't with children but with my mother, brother and sister who seem to avoid me since I was diagnosed back in September. My brother's wife and daughters have been wonderful and constantly here for me and supportive but my blood relations have been totally insensitive.
My mother has actually invalidated my entire experience by telling me about someone she knows of who has it worse than me because they have little children and at least if something happens to me I won't be leaving little children behind!
I even agreed with her and then after getting off the phone - I realized what a cruel thing she was doing again to me - minimizing my experience. I am her daughter - why would she want to tell me about someone who has it worse than me. What's strange is that my mother has been a hypochondriac for years and sometimes it feels like she doesn't know what to do when the focus isn't on her almost always minor medical problems..

I've probably contributed because I made a point to tell everyone I was strong and feeling good even when I wasn't. I can't tell you how many times I've been told I'm brave and strong and now I just feel like saying "how the hell do you know I'm strong?? I'm scared and just because I choose not to whine ad nauseum about what i'm experiencing doesn't mean I don't need empathy and support".

I felt so sad when I was in the chemo rooms and saw people with their families there. I went through everything alone. Admittedly I'm divorced and not in a relationship and even fairly new to the city I live in; but I had hoped to have had more support.

Just venting and wanted to let you know that I'm glad you brought the topic up. I'm glad things are improving since you're blowup. Maybe that's what I need to do:)

Carol

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Sweetlife on April 15, 2008 at 10:26pm

Dear Carol...
I am so sorry that you don't have the support that you need & deserve! What your mother said to you is so wrong. It sounds like you understand where that is coming from though....her need for excessive attention. I've read on CSL about people who were abandoned by friends and family after daignosis. It is heartbreaking! You are not alone. Unfortunately it has happened to so many people. And you are not along because you have your CSFamily!
That sounds like something I might do...agree with someones horrible comment instead of crying like I want to.
I also tell people I'm great when I'm not...but what do you do...complain all day? I think we do what people expect..."Live Strong" be fine...like the celebs we all see on TV...Melissa Ethridge rocking the grammy's & saying she feels better than ever, her hair is softer, skin now clearer, etc. Good for her, but I haven't felt good in years now. My eye brows/lashes never really came back, chemo scarred my tear ducts closed & painful surgery only partially fixed them so I tear all the time, etc., etc. I COULD complain all the time, but that's not what I want my life to be about & I can tell you don't either. We have to stay as positive & happy as possible b/c that's what we want for ourselves, not to be whiny & complaining all the time.
It's a tricky balance we need to master. We have to allow ourselves to express our true feelings to those closest to us. Not always easy, but we're working on it, right?
I know what you mean about being alone in the chemo room. I'm still going for chemo & I always go alone. The 2x my husband went were not helpful..especially the first time where he spent the whole time complaining about how long everything was taking. I ended up yelling at him to stop it & had nurses peeking their heads in the door to see what was going on. The second time he was quiet, but kept looking at his watch...ugh!
My daughters have no interest in going with me & I don't blame them & I'd never push that. My Mom went w/ me once, but she drove me crazy...making faces about things & complaining about the care I was receiving to me instead of actually speaking up to the nurses & advocating for me. Ugh again! I prefer to go by myself compared to those scenarios. I can't help wishing I had a husband who would come with me & not remind me a million times that he's losing a day's pay for it, etc.
Ok, now I've rambles on...I guess my point is it stinks, but you're not alone. We have to keep wotking towards be true to ourselves & speaking the truth to our families...and everyone. We have to speak up for ourselves! It will get easier the more we do it!

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by amy, ramblin rose on April 15, 2008 at 6:17pm

jenny just thinking of you.... still sending good loving energy... amy

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Angelica G. on April 16, 2008 at 5:55pm

wow.
we need to hug. i dont have kids but i have dogs who poop on the floor when not let out and bills etc. my partner did the same thing went out got drunk went partying spending money on cigs and internet cafes instead of food. one day i completely lost it and went off on my family.
i would get some gumps with my kids and tell them that you are not asking them to do the chores you are telling them to. i dont have kids but i've babysat tons of my nieces and nephews of all ages. it shocks me to see what some parents let their kids get away with.

i dunno its not your fault. dont get me wrong. i'm just saying if i wouldve acted liek that with you and you were my mom. the woman who i grew up with! oooh! i wouldve gotten slapped or grounded or something as punishment. but yeah i know a lot of people dont believe in corporal punishment and physical discipline. but hey grounding and no tv and no desert no cell no outings with friends no computer works too. u dont necessarily have to smack the kid.

but yeah i feel for ya. i didnt wack anyone when i had my meltdown but i did give everyone a piece of my mind. and the words what the hell??/ who would do the dishes and walk the dog and pay the rent if i were dead huh/???? who???? .... theythought for a moment. then i said YEAH!!! so help me before i burn out and die from emotional toxicity and support because cancer fucking sucks and worrying about dying sucks and you people dont make anything better for me.

i say screw that BS about people being scared when faced with their own mortality. thats bs in my book. if ive got the gumps to live through it and not go jump off a bridge, why should you ge to bail when ive been there for you? its not an option. we're a unit a family. we do it together.

hugs,
email me sometime if you want to just gripe.

angelica

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Sweetlife on April 19, 2008 at 9:28pm

Thanks Angelica...
You are right. My problem w/ my daughter is that years back she had a mental illness. She has come a very long way, but still has issues & I am afraid of setting her back. I do talk w/ my therapist as well as her therapist about this and they agree w/ me that it is a delicate balance in dealing w/ her.

I've been way mader at my husband, hence my other thread about getting treatment w/o insurance & asking for advice on how I can divorce him , lose that ins. & still get treatment.

Things have gotten a lot better around here since my meltdown. He's off this coming week & the kids are on spring break, so I intend to have everyone pitch in & get some things done.

Thanks for listening....& I'm sorry either of us has had to deal with this S***!

▶ Reply to This

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9