How low can you go

My eye brows are thinning out, and the eye lashes are falling off. When they didn’t fall out as my hair follicles fell out, I thought perhaps I would be able to keep them as I go through this chemo. But no… They are thinning out slowly. My nail beds look odd. My nails are turning black, and there are black and white lines at the nail bed. I see blotches of brown spots on my palms. Everything is changed. Cancer changes everything.

I’m overpowered by the alone nature of cancer. No matter how many people are around you, it is ultimately your battle. You have to fight it. I know I am loved by a lot of people, but I never felt so alone in this journey. I miss my friends. I wish I am not 3000 miles away from my friends. I wish I am not 10000 miles away from my family. Will it make a difference? Perhaps not...

People don’t seem to know how to talk to me because I am going through this. I’ve been told that maybe because they want to help but don’t know how. Everyone is going on with their lives, and that makes me feel lonely -- perhaps because I don’t feel like I am going on with my life. When they are not there for me for little things, I probably wouldn’t have taken it so hard if I wasn’t going through this stupid cancer, but now it hits me hard. It’s like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I can’t seem to handle everyday life matters. I am not caring for my aging mother when she gets sick, and I feel guilty. I can’t take in any more bad news – the leakage in the bathroom ceiling in the unit right below me and the fact that BZ is facing an open heart surgery. Why now? Why can’t these wait until I am all better? Yeah, because life happens...

I used to say this to one of my friends – why do you rely on others to make you happy and define who you are? And, now I find myself getting lost in this cancer journey. I can’t even recognize who I am anymore. I want to believe that there is a silver lining in every situation, but it is fading away. I don’t want it to fade away, but I’m getting weak. I need a fuel. I need things that can make me feel like my life fits into normalcy. School, dance, and running did the tricks before, but they don’t seem to work anymore. Is it temporary? Am I just at the lowest point on this emotional cancer roller coaster?

No matter how low this cancer takes me down, I must remember to love myself. I must not forget who I am and what I am fighting for. I must focus on things that make me happy. Believe in myself.